Word on the Street - Dale Nation Week 1

Word on the street is that Jonathon Street is still upset…about…you know not getting the word on the street. Well, he keeps sending me texts about all the fun things he’s doing to try and show me he doesn’t even care. Apparently, he’s found a way to Neverland. I mean, big deal, the instructions are there for everyone on how to get there…you just need to fly and follow a star or something, but little does he know…FYI…Neverland isn’t nearly as fun without Michael Jackson, so you go right ahead there guy…how’s that stupid?

Rumor has it that Aaron Rogers is the fantasy messiah. He probably atoned for all of your draft sins if you picked him up.

The word around the water cooler has it that at the preseasonal press conference, Captain Jack Bryan said he needs someone else to beat the Rat this year (for those of you who don’t remember Rat only had one loss last year). Bryan said, “Rex Ryan is probably the greatest man ever. I mean, do I have a picture of Jesus on my wall? Well, yes, of course I do. I’m a Christian! Christians have feelings, and guess who is right beside my picture of Jesus? That’s right…Rex Ryan. As far as I’m concerned Rex Ryan will be with Jesus when he comes again. Where will I be? That’s right…on Rex’s right hand…which will be coincidentally on Jesus’ right hand. Don’t quote me on that.”

Word on the street is that Jesus watches New York Jets football (and by Jesus I don’t mean the guy I teach English to in the ESL program); I mean did you see that comeback? What a miracle that was. Dallas, I’m sorry but Jesus doesn’t love you or BYU…this week.

Rumor has it Anthony doesn’t want to talk about playoffs, but when asked about whose team he thought looked like a sure winner; and team to beat in the playoffs he absolutely gushed about Jeffry’s team. “If Jeff’s team was a man I would want to be his hot lover. It keeps me up at nights; honest to God it does. I log on to espn probably twenty times a day just to stare at it; marvel at its beauty; its genius. It’s probably the Miami Heat of fantasy football teams. Drew Brees? Are you #%*&$ kidding me? How can you top that?”

Rumor has it that Anders is the Varys (the eunuch from Game of Thrones) of fantasy football…his little birds are everywhere…

Word on the street is that Jason was so very excited to be the one to create Dale Nation this year. “Honestly, I wasn’t too impressed with the league name last year; however, ESPN has a better site save for the fact I can no longer add my own logo for my team. ESPN’s logos are super lame. “

Jason went on to give some other possible names for the fantasy league:

Condom Nation

McKenna Football Rules

The Clap (A fantasy football nation)

Abomijason Nation

Bishop Bowen’s 3 B’s

Furthermore, Jason wasn’t impressed with the QB TD’s only being worth 4 points last year; so he devised a plan on how to change it back to 6. Rubbing his hands in anticipative glee; he sent out the Facebook message letting everyone read of the change knowing full well that his greatest opponent was no longer on Facebook. When asked about the change after the formation of Dale Nation 5 Jason responded, “What? No one moved a finger to create the league; so instead of all this boo hooing about the change back to 6 points just remember whose ass it was that I pulled out of the fire. Without me there would be no Dale Nation! I AM DALE NATION!” Jason slammed his palm on his table…then composed himself; stuck his nose up in the air, and folded his arms and said, “Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Fantasy Football.”

Rumor has it that Austin Robert English started a kicker that didn’t even play…Nate Kaeding (the kicker) is out for the season. He apologized to his fantasy owners…especially after his high draft position. He invited Austin to the Isle of Tortuga. Austin, just remember he apologized. Just let it go.

Word on the street is that the Rat is up to his old tricks again; leading the Dale Nation in points scored from week one. Good job guy!

Rumor has it that the song, It's not gay if it's in a 3 way was inspired by Austin English and Ryan Lee. A very anonymous and reliable source says that they can prove it with the replay. Furthermore, the whole thing about nothing being gay if there's a football around and the "nice ass" ass grab is just another excuse to touch each other. Apparently, Anders has heard the giggling coming from the next room for some time now.

Word on the street has it that everyone and their dog is trying to pick up Cam Newton off of waivers. I hope Austin QB Factory English picks him up.

Norwegian Power Rankings:

1. The Rat
2. Baby Bee
3. Brandi
4. The Itch
5. It's good mood food
6. I Jaced in my fine pant (Arcteryx)
7. Camsa (Volcano!)
8. Flyer
9. Marckennian Childrens
10. Utah Jerzz
11. Brick-tastic
12. Awesomeness!
    

Fantasy Football Word on the Street Pre-season

It was a balmy 65 degrees Fahrenheit in Austin Robert English’s condo. I was all wrapped up in a Mountain Hardware sleeping bag rated down to 20. I thought I’d be okay in that. Little did I know the coming chill that would encompass my whole being. I was playing the latest installment of the Final Fantasy series (which is probably the worst ever) when my leg started to vibrate; one vibrate for text, multiple vibrates for a call. There was a single long vibrate that seemed to course up my leg like a girl playing “are you nervous.” It could have lasted hours; that first vibrate. There was only one vibrate. That’s how I knew it was only a text. I paused my game just as Lightning was about to deal a killing blow on an adamantoise to check my phone. I looked to see who the message was from but all it said was “Anonymous.” My heart started to beat faster as I opened the message to read the contents. Suddenly the 65 degrees didn’t feel so balmy as the text registered in my mind. It read, “Send me the word on the street or else.” That’s when I knew…Jonathan Street is still upset about not getting the word on the street.

JT sighting! Rumor has it that JT has been sighted outside of his abode. Apparently while making a purchase at Smiths, market fresh everyday…Smiths!, Anders heard his name being said and turned. JT was standing there. A little scruff was on his face and he was looking like he had just woken from a cat nap. Anders could almost picture him answering the door at Scotty’s with a Raider blanket slung over his shoulders. He said hello and vanished into the Smith.

Word on the Street has it that Jason is mentioned in Katy’s relationship blog.

According to a very anonymous and very reliable source at a recent drop Anthony and Jeff were recently overheard at the docks talking under a single street lamp in the dead of night. It went something like this:

Anthony: “If I told you the Loch Ness monster hired me to hit the harbor, what would you say?”

Jeffry: “Yeah, I’d sooner believe Keyser Soze hired you.”

Anthony: “Who is Keyser Soze?”

Jeffry: “Who is Keyser Soze?

Anthony: “Yeah, what did I say? Who is Keyser Soze?”

Jeffry: “Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone.”

Anthony: “Do you believe in him, Jeffry?

Jeffry: “Jason always said, "’I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.’" Well, Anthony, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.”

Word on the street is that the British comedy The IT Crowd is the best show ever (probably old news). Actually, I’m just hoping Johnny reads this spreads the word in his Jerms…

Rumor has it that after much testing in his labs at work and home Cams has found the answer to the long asked question, “How is babby formed?”

Word on the street is that The Itch is a form of VD similar to that of Moby Dick. Not quite so cumbersome as The Butterfinger but easier to catch than Crabs or The Stomp.

Rumor has it that Sandi drafted Bryan’s team after she had broken out of her cage and beaten him severely. Now here are her preseason rankings:

1. Team B-ry

2. Raider – ettes

3. I’m thinking RB’s

4. The Rat

5. The Itch

6. The Clap

7. The Stomp

8. Utah Jerzz

9. Brick-tastic

10. Awesome

11. How is Babby Formed?

12. I Jaced in my Pant

13. . P F Flyers

14. Stuff N Things (Someone tell Cams to change his abbreviation to STFU)

15. Hey Guy

16. The Amazing Bratwurst of Saxony

Rumor has it that league Dale Nation has formed a super conference and has 16 teams. Pac16 and Sec16 to follow?

Word on the street is that during halftime of the BYU game Austin Robert English was racing bees outside his condo. He wanted to test his speed against bee speed since he heard it was similar to SEC speed. This might not seem so daring a feat; however, did I mention these were killer bees and that Austin is allergic to bees? After soundly defeating the killer bees and after the BYU game Austin said, “SEC speed what?”

Rumor has it that Bryan is now confined to Sandi’s cage. Sandi is now in control of Team B-ry. (Sandi if you’re reading this; Bryan text messaged me to let you know to please muck out his cage).

Word on the street is that Baby needs a new pair of shoes.

No chance you're still reading this but if you are…Notable Quotes:

From JT to Shelly…

JT: “Work that dance floor. They may vote you Mayor Jazz one day and give you a plaque that says ‘She wore the tightest of pants’.”

Shelly: “I was already wearing tight pants...I just did not activate them!”

Cameron digresses about lunch:

Cams: “I just got back from lunch and it could not have been worse. The entire thing was a disaster and I don’t plan on getting any work done for the rest of the day. Here’s a list of my lunch break/the apocalypse:

1. I forgot a fork and had to use a public fork
2. I was the only person in the kitchen who wasn’t pregnant
3. I burned my hand on leftover rice
4. I smiled at a cute girl and she didn’t smile back
5. My pear wasn’t even ripe”

Word on the street is that the other night the greatest thing ever in the world happened. I can't say what it is, but it was great. I wanted to tell everyone, but they said I couldn't. It was definitely way better than what you would think it would be, if you knew what it was. And you would for sure guess that it would be pretty amazing.

I can't think of anything else.