8.4.09

Word on the Street 8/4/09

Jonathan still isn’t getting the word on the street so if someone would go ahead and forward this to him. Kthx!

It’s official. The longest “Eff” word ever spoken goes to Emily Beaudin when a deer jumped out in front of her car. From the moment the glowing eyes of the deer locked onto Emily’s the word erupted from her lips and didn’t stop until the car came to a complete stop. The deer was unharmed and pranced away into the darkness bearing a curious resemblance to a cross between cookie monster and Josh Vancott. The previous longest “eff” word was Drew Barrymore’s Eff word in Donnie Darko after she found out that she had been sacked.

Rumor has it that Ashley Wick is always turned on…a very anonymous and even more reliable source has said. Rumor has it her “turn on” button has malfunctioned and is permanently stuck in the on position…rumor has it she pushed the button herself so many times that it’s now stuck broken.

Word on the street is that Jason! disappeared for a few days and no one knows where he was. When asked where he was he’ll tell you he was hiking, but for the first time ever this exclusive story is out. What really happened those few days and nights he was gone can be pieced together with the help of a number of eyewitnesses that place him near Scott’s old house. For those of you not in the know there is irrevocable proof that there is a portal in the back of Scotty’s old house located over the old stump now known simply as Stump. Debbie Bowers, an innocent bystander, reports that she first suspected something might not be right when she heard what sounded like cats in heat scratching around her wood fence in the back yard. Her dog was desperately trying to dig a hole under the fence because of the extreme smell of nut-funk and pheromones which led Debbie to look through the fence while puffing deeply on her smoke. Peeking through the wood fence at the stump she saw Jason McKenna climb onto it in his nakedness while braying like some flavor of banshee. There was then a flash of light and Jason was never seen again…until later that day. Rumor has it that he woke up with a severe migraine in a cage in Emily’s Kiddy Porn dungeon, dehydrated and near death.

Debbie Bowers Said dog

Rumor has it that Emily’s Kiddy Porn dungeon isn’t the kind of dungeon we’ve all thought. According to a very naked and very reliable source (Jason) the dungeon is actually a Kitty Porn dungeon where Emily makes films of baby kitties doing all sorts of inappropriate things; turning all her baby kitties into naughty kitties. Noises like those found in Professor Umbridge’s office can be constantly heard emanating from Emily’s closet…

Word on the street is that Josh Vancott is actually Global Warming. For the past few months he has been trying to convince the world that he exists. While he secretly hates Al Gore and manbearpig alike he secretly lauds there efforts to bring the world the truth that he, global warming, does indeed exist. He has even set up a website to let you know. It’s www.Iamglobalwarming.com

According to a very reliable and anonymous source Lil’ button calls her bagina the spaghetti O. Sources say that all it needs now is the meat balls.

Rumor has it that the Dale and Janey sex machine is going into retirement. After years and years of hard working alongside its friend the ceiling mirror it is calling it quits. Apparently the reason for this is because well, no one can do it like Dale and Janey.

Word on the street is that “love sack” is now a new slang word in place of the scrotum not to be confused with the already popular love sacks that adorn many zoobee apartments.

Rumor has it that when gingers or gingers and day walkers touch their freckles together in an Eskimo kiss a freckle baby is formed that has no soul (Which is no wonder since gingers never have souls). It grows ever on the hate and soulless state of the red head until it sprouts as a growth similar to that on Robby Hardman’s chest. Once in its mature state the body’s consciousness will transfer to the growth and break off of the body and sprout into a full size ginger similar to Ashley Wick. And this, my friends, is how gingers reproduce.

Rumor has it that Emily K Beaudin and Anders J Berge were at the hospital with Austin R English last Monday and had skipped FHE to go eat at the cafeteria there. Apparently there were two babies. One was crying and the other was just screaming because it was happy. Emily turned toward Anders with a look of disdain plastered on her face and muttered, “You know, babies don’t have to be crying to be annoying.”

Anders took a larger than necessary bite out of his footlong corn dog after slathering the end in a thick batter of ketchup and mustard and choked out, “They should all be destroyed,” between chews. Austin remained silent curiously fixated on his nachos. Anders swallowed his huge bite and said, “You know, I don’t think any babies are ever planned blessings from heaven. I think they are all mistakes.” Emily ponders this for a microsecond and responds, “Yeah, and you and I are mistakes too. I was a mistake.” Anders smiles and says, “I was the biggest mistake. If only guys could keep their own corn dogs in their pants.” He looks down at the corn dog he’s been devouring and smiles even larger and takes another huge bite of it, “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff,” he says as his eyes roll back in his head.

Rumor has it that Aaron Thompson can fit an entire chicken in his mouth at once along with various other types of meats. While feeding thus pig noises emit from his mouth. Eventually he will turn into a pig and squeal vehemently if anyone tries to touch his food…especially his bananas.

Rumor has it that a Norwegian’s kryptonite has been found. Apparently, when a fat person is in close proximity with a Norwegian their head starts to ache. This rumor has confirmed when a fat woman got to close to Anders and his head went directly to his hand trying to stifle the pain.

If you're a fan of Josh Vancott then you know the line, "Chaz shakes his tail when he knows what he wants." Well, apparently the rumor going around the hen house is that Josh Vancott knows all about wagging tails because he has one (it's not the same as Robby Hardman's growth if that's what you're thinking). A very anonymous and very reliable source has said that when JVC was ordering sushi his tail started wagging viciously (more viciously than would a Chaz in a kennel full of tea cup chihuahuas in heat). Upon closer inspection...it was found that Chaz had actually burrowed a hole in JVC's pants and...had apparently found something he wants...

Rumor has it that Mirinda Pettit is now prego with a food baby. It has been confirmed that the name of the bastard has been named Baby Rindy in honor of the great late Asparagus Rindy of Magna, Utah. It was initially thought that Care Bears fruit snacks was the father but a DNA test has confirmed that "Sloppy Joe" is indeed the real father. And yes Mirinda we do know who "Sloppy Joe" really is so you can stop calling him that or at least say what is so sloppy about it, but we've always known how you like it sloppy.

I know we can't really believe it but...in other news we can now celebrate the 11 year anniversary of Anders getting his first kiss! And if he can remember anything about it it was spectacular. I'm pretty sure he was wearing a brown cordory jacket and was full on rape kissed. He resisted at first, not only because the girl's sister was in the truck, but he eventually realized...that it was like "sex with Kobe Bryant...it's gonna happen."

Speaking of Robby Hardman's growth. I saw it the other day and I must say it's not looking too bad. It said "Hi" and asked me how I've been doing and the like. Apparently he said that he has now achieved warlord status along with other thought to be short lived growths of hell that get trapped in the mortal coil such as the plant from little shop of horrors or the pimple on Chris Griffon's face or the growth on Ander's leg that just won't seem to go away even after 2 months of medicated pads...holy Saint Francis that was a long run on sentence.

In inernational news BFP has finally achieved sainthood in Canadia for his ongoing and selfless exploits in the field of servicing medical equipment for old ladies that should have died already and men named Bill (Compton?) I can never remember his name...if you haven't heard the F stands for Francis.

More on the kiss...she tasted like cherry chapstick and maybe Anders swooned. Can guys swoon? Whatever it was it was really really nice once he just relaxed...and let it happen.

Well, I have some knews that you're all sure to have been waiting for for a long time. Amanda has finally gone through puberty. If you're like me you were eagerly anticipating this wondering when she would stop being Lucius Farris. The bad news is that her boobs came through on her back...now don't get me wrong but...it's a little odd to look at but she sure is fun to dance with! Oh, snap! (I think I just heard Robbie snap)

In last month's "Kind of a Big Deal" magazine an artical was featured stating that the character Mr. Burns from the Simpsons is actually based on Paige Beaudin who has every disease known to man (she's always going to the doctore) but they offset each other so she's perfectly fine...in other news it was found that another Simpsons character, Mr. Smithers, is based off of Anders in that like Smithers dreams of Mr. Burns, Anders dreams of the Bonus Beaudin flying through his window every night.

I was looking through the Thrifty Nickle the other day and came across an add from a miss sister Emily Beaudin. I have recorded the article as follows, "Looking for new friend to replace Kathleen. Mostly children (boys) wanted. Pay DOE! Lumberjack outfit a must. People skills prefered. If female 'what we need is a smurfette, you know, someone who will get down and dirty with the guys like smurfette does.'"

Quotes of Note:

“I’ve never kissed a girl…but I would.”

-Ashley Wick’s response to being asked if she’s into girls. We all know she would too…just ask Mirinda.

“Our friendship just hung in the balance!”

-Emily Beaudin’s words after being touched by Jason McKenna’s big toe.

“That’s what you get”

-Anders Berge says whenever something bad happens to someone else.

“Why do I always get stuff?”

-Austin English after something bad has happened to him and Anders has said the above quote.

“Because you’re a git.”

-Anders’ response to the above quote.

“Show my head to everyone. It’s something they should see.”

-Jason’s future final words at his execution via decapitation.

“Beer is proof that God wants us to be happy.”

-Thomas Jefferson

“You know that girl that all the boys talk about saying, ‘that’s what she said?’ Well, that’s me. I’m that girl.”

-Emily Beaudin on the perversion that is Emily Beaudin.

“…I’m pretty much the Queen Bitch of the universe...”

-Sarah Kerrigan

“Turkey Arm says interception on this next play.”

-Tyler Halls aka Coach says as he swings his arm letting his relief society fat/triceps muscle waddle back and forth which apparently has the ability to predict the future. Whoever is able to unleash the turkey arm first has the power over the future in McKenna football.

“I got my DW.”

-Jeff McKenna on getting some actions. In other news Jeff's D now goes by the name Meat and Potatoes.

“Just some people.”

-Bryan Park after being asked by Sandi where he was all night.

“Check this action!”

-Aaron Thompson when playing vintage Smash Bros. usually when performing the falcon kick with Captain Falcon on the N64.

“Hush girl and close your lips. Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips.”

-Kelly Nicholes after winning a game of apples to apples with the tump of all trump cards, Hellen Keller, when the adjective card says sad, pathetic, or dirty. Take that charging rhinos.

“Pfff…maybe.”

-Paige Beaudin